Posts

The Surrender

The Surrender The white flags been raised My mind claims victory And imprisons my heart  Under lock and key Wrapped in chains  Like a work of art  The mind does not revel It does not celebrate It’s perceived dominance  It feels for its captive It wants its recovery  It wants its return to prominence  The heart relents  Accepts its sentence  And returns to the dark  It counts its days In a lonely cell Walls carved with marks  But they both know  It’s only a matter of time Before , again, the heart breaks free Either by broken lock Or melted chain Or simply finding the key  And when the heart escapes  It will burn hot And melt the surrounding snow And I’ll still love hard And I’ll still care deep It’s the only way I know                       -JT
Post a Comment
Read more

The collapse

 You were my peace, my light  My white dove Now your a source of strife that Has me questioning love I tried to be bold  I tried to be brave  Now my heart is buried The walls have caved  I desperately claw  Looking for that light  But the air is thinning  And Im losing this fight  I was in control This time I wouldn’t fail  But yet again I’m  crushed  As your ship sets sail  They say time heals all But with  space comes time  And the smaller you become  The less I’m fine  You’ve dipped below the horizon Like the sun in the west And despite the ruin I’m in  I want, for you, nothing but the best  Ill find the light again  As I crawl out of this hole  The pressure from the collapse  Will make a diamond of this coal  And I’ll look to the east  With the rise of the Sun For a new ship with hope  Will surely come                 ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Man in the Mirror

The Man in the mirror My vision fades in The light breaks through the blind My meeting with the mirror awaits me Is today the day it’s kind? I’m afraid to look up Scared of who I know it will be But like a car wreck I stare Because I can’t help but see It’s my nemesis, my villain My harshest critic His stare is corrosive  His words are acidic  The shame pours over  The embarrassment draws red My mind is wiped clean  Of what my loved ones have said  I want to believe them The saboteur I should ignore But the devil inside  Has other plans in store  That love you chase, The dreams you have  Are crazy to pursue  You’re broken, you’re damaged  You don’t have a clue  I accept the beating  Surely it’s what I deserve  The enemy inside  Holds nothing in reserve But still I press on  This cycle I will break one day Only then will the man in the mirror  No longer have a say.           ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The War Within

                                                                                                                                                                                        The War Within Every time I see you the truce comes to end The heart and mind trade blows leaving me no time to mend  I look for help that no one will send  For I’m alone in this war and for myself I must fend  The war within is brutal and exhausting  I lay...
Post a Comment
Read more

I’m proud of you

Image
We’ve hit 100 days!  I was asked what I was going to do once I hit day 100 and I had no idea (probably never thought I’d get this far honestly.). Kelly suggested that I “Write! Write! Write!”.  Not a bad idea but what should I write about? So I started to think about things that have had a lot of impact on me while on this journey and I kept coming back to one phrase that I had heard repeatedly. "I'm proud of you!".  It's a phrase I've heard more times in the last 100 days than I've probably heard in my entire lifetime.  Outside of "I love you", "I'm proud of you" always triggers the strongest (sometimes awkward) of reactions from me.  Why is that? Time for a story.  Before “JT” there was just Jared.  A small town boy growing up in semi-rural Maryland.  Son of an Lt. Commander in the United States Navy and Registered Nurse.  My parents were and are literal heroes in my eyes.  My brother was a incredibly gifted athlete who was tremendous...
Post a Comment
Read more

60 days. 100 miles

 60 days. 100 miles.  To understand why this is significant,  we (me included) have to understand how I got here in the first place.   Warning deep stuff ahead! Despite what many of you may see from me on twitch, I’m a pretty shy person who has struggled with poor self image and low self worth issues my whole life. I rarely feel worthy of peoples time and attention and I never feel I’m good enough at anything to be taken seriously.  This leads me to being very risk adverse and makes “putting myself out there” a constant battle.  On twitch,  I can turn the camera off anytime I can’t hide the pain or embarrassment I’m feeling or  if things are really bad, I can just turn the stream off and I’m safe.   But in the “real world” It doesn’t work like that so I am pretty introverted. About 11 years ago, I decided to take a risk and move across the country to beautiful San Diego, California.  I needed a change and I didn’t want to get stuck in sm...
Post a Comment
Read more