I’m proud of you

We’ve hit 100 days!  I was asked what I was going to do once I hit day 100 and I had no idea (probably never thought I’d get this far honestly.). Kelly suggested that I “Write! Write! Write!”.  Not a bad idea but what should I write about? So I started to think about things that have had a lot of impact on me while on this journey and I kept coming back to one phrase that I had heard repeatedly.

"I'm proud of you!".  It's a phrase I've heard more times in the last 100 days than I've probably heard in my entire lifetime.  Outside of "I love you", "I'm proud of you" always triggers the strongest (sometimes awkward) of reactions from me.  Why is that? Time for a story.

 Before “JT” there was just Jared.  A small town boy growing up in semi-rural Maryland.  Son of an Lt. Commander in the United States Navy and Registered Nurse.  My parents were and are literal heroes in my eyes.  My brother was a incredibly gifted athlete who was tremendously popular everywhere he went.  It’s safe to say the expectations were high for me as I was literally growing up in the shadows of legends but life sometimes doesn’t workout the way you and others expect.  

My freshman year of high school was a flop.  I had gone to public school my whole life and transitioning to a Private Catholic School proved to be tougher than expected.  Things on the lacrosse field (The thing I was so sure of) didn't go any better due to poor grades.  I refocused myself and got into the best shape of my life for my sophomore year and I came back with a vengeance.  I was voted Team Captain of the JV by my peers, lead the team in Goals, and eventually won the team MVP award at the end of the year.  Things were looking up until I had a meeting at the end of the year and was basically told that I needed to lose more weight.  It felt like I had been punched in the gut.  All that work I had put in for what?  It's no surprise 15 year old me felt like it didn't matter what I did, It was never going to be good enough.

After a long never ending offseason the game that I loved, the sport that was my escape from the normal troubles of a teenager, became something that I dreaded. So I quit and it was made immediately clear to me that I was not something to be proud of.  It felt like everyone around me was so disappointed in me.  No one was particularly mean to me, but you could just tell people looked at me differently.  There goes the kid that had the tools but crumbled under the weight of expectations.  I learned very quickly to become comfortable in isolation.  You can't disappoint people that don't have expectations of you because you've boxed them out.  This I suspect is why I get so weird and uncomfortable when people tell me they are proud of me and I get especially emotional when people that I care about do it. I don’t want to ever feel that level of disappointment again.

I can reminisce on the past and how it has impacted who I am today but at some point I have to ask how do I fix this?  Well that’s a good question that  I wish I had the answer for. Perhaps its not something I need to fix? Perhaps I need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable? Perhaps the emotions I’m feeling are a good thing and a sign that I’m getting better at letting people in and allowing me to come out of the shell I've hid in for so long.  What I will say is don’t ever stop saying it to me (if you mean it obviously) and if I get weird about it, it’s because I don’t know how to accept it and not because I don’t appreciate it.  Whatever the case, eventually I’ll believe it and when I do all bets are off as to what I’ll be able to accomplish. #walkwithme

- Jared "JT" England